


rainbow

by sapphicsrlit



Category: Suits (US TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-22
Updated: 2020-08-22
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:28:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26046538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapphicsrlit/pseuds/sapphicsrlit
Summary: Donna and Harvey are struggling to accept the consequences of their actions. Set in an alternative season 9.
Relationships: Donna Paulsen/Harvey Specter
Comments: 1
Kudos: 9





	rainbow

**Author's Note:**

> So I started this fic back in April but didn't feel inspired enough to finish it until a few days ago. I hope you like it x

_rainbow_

.

It has been a month since the ethics hearing and everything's changed.

Harvey and Samantha fought to keep Robert's clients from leaving, Alex attempted to organise a vote between the name partners to decide if they should take Robert's name off the wall which ended in a mess, and Faye Richardson decided to make herself managing partner, putting a strain on everyone.

The relationships between the partners are almost non salvageable at this point and everyone is just trying their best to stay above water. Suddenly the firm is no longer a firm but a circus and only when things start to spiral does Harvey notice that Donna isn't calling the shots behind the scenes like she used to anymore.

Little things catch his attention first; the tightness of Donna's voice when he tries to talk to her about anything that isn't work related, the smile she works too hard to keep plastered across her face during conversation, the way she goes home early and comes in late. She's a good actress but he _knows_ her. Thinks that he knows her inside out. Knows that Donna usually doesn't decline lunches with Louis or a girls night with Samantha and Katrina, or drinks with _him._

He supposes things were bound to change the moment she started dating Thomas Kessler. And they did. Subtly at first, but _there_. Donna shifted her focus. She started to spend her evenings with Thomas, having dinner at some fancy restaurant at a reasonable hour instead of waiting for him to finish up for the night. Thomas also didn't seem to waste any time when it came to Donna. They were dating and the next thing he knew, they were all but living together and it infuriated him. Donna was slipping away from him and he'd never dealt well with losing her to other men, but it didn't mean…

Until it did. Until it goddamn did — and he didn't get to tell her.

After the hearing, the penny finally dropped and he wanted to tell her, _show_ her how he felt, that he could finally acknowledge his emotions for what they were; a man in love. But she wasn't at her apartment. Knocking several times, his heart was beating wildly in his chest with a raw need to be with her, until he remembered that she was with Thomas. Probably celebrating at his apartment at that very moment and it felt like a weight crushed his chest, cracking his heart wide open and leaving him breathless.

So he went home and drowned his sorrows in too many fingers of scotch until the burning sensation of abandonment in his chest faded into numbness.

The next day, Donna wasn't in and he only heard from _Louis_ that she was taking a few days off. He called and left concerned voicemails but she never picked up. It stung worse than before, the fact that she didn't bother to tell him herself. There had been a time when he could call her at six in the morning or at midnight when he needed someone and she'd be there.

Things are different, when she returns.

She tells him she had the flu but he doesn't believe her. Usually, he wouldn't let it go and demand the truth but she pleads with him to move on with business and he agrees — not keen on knowing the details of her private life with Thomas. She is happy with him. And that stings.

She never mentions having received his concerned voicemails and neither does he. She's with another man, and she told him how much it meant to her that he was happy for her. So he lets it go, his chance, and buries himself in new cases that keep him away from the office and Donna.

But when there's an emergency at the firm and Donna doesn't take his calls and doesn't reply to his texts, the feelings that he tried so hard to bury come rushing back with a vengeance. This time, they present themselves as emotions he knows well and he falls back into a behaviour he thought he'd long since overcome.

"Why didn't you pick up your calls, Donna? We goddamn needed you," Harvey snaps at her the moment she enters his office the next day.

"I'm sorry. I –" Donna falters slightly before she continues apologetically. "I was nursing a migraine."

"Bullshit."

" _Excuse me?"_ She narrows her eyes at him.

"You come in late, you leave early and you don't give a damn about the firm anymore." His shouts echo through the room loudly and she flinches at his outburst, a lump forming in her throat.

"You think I don't care about you because I didn't pick up your calls?" She laughs hysterically, feeling herself lose it and it's terrifying.

"What am I supposed to think?" He seems to swallow something sour but he goes on. "You didn't wait to tell Thomas when I goddamn told you to. You'd known him for what? Three months? And then you didn't even have the courtesy to show up at the hearing."

"I already told you. I was sick that day," she insists, arms folding against herself giving little protection.

"Stop lying, Donna. You weren't there when I needed you most but what I don't understand is why. I thought the 13 years that we have been together count for something. But apparently they don't mean anything to you."

The hurt in Harvey's eyes is staggering and it knocks the air right out of her lungs. She knows Harvey regrets his outburst the moment he finishes but she can't help it and her left eye twitches the way it does when she's stressed and emotional. His words hurt, clawing themselves into her already frail and bruised heart and before she knows what's happening, her body is in flight mode and she's halfway out of the room.

"Donna, wait," he pleads, his voice bordering on desperate now and she whirls around again. Her eyes are glistening with unshed tears and her jaw is working in an angry motion to ease the tightness in her throat that is threatening to consume her.

"Let me in," he begs, and he _never_ begs. Her chin trembles and she bits down on her lower lip, a physical response to the emotional turmoil she's in.

The silence that follows speaks volumes, showing how much their relationship has suffered in recent years.

"I had a miscarriage. That day of the hearing. That's why I wasn't there," she finally admits in a quiet voice.

Harvey inhales sharply and Donna can see her own pain mirrored in his eyes. It's too much. She looks down and a sob forces itself out of her throat involuntarily.

Harvey stops breathing as he watches Donna press a hand on her stomach, her body doubling over slightly. It's a sight he never thought he'd see and he feels like the biggest dick in the world for not noticing how _not okay_ she was.

" _Donna_. Jesus." He reaches for her, his hands curling around her shoulder comfortingly but she recoils from his touch.

"It's _fine_ ," she insists weakly.

"Donna." He tilts his head, searching her eyes. "I'm so sorry. Why didn't you tell me?"

"What do you think?"

Even though she doesn't accuse him of anything, it hits where it hurts. It's his own fault. He's always been jealous of her boyfriends and they both know it.

"You know that this has nothing to do with that. I would have been there for you."

He means it. No matter how hard it would've been, it wouldn't have mattered. Her pain and loss outweigh anything he would've felt and it's a small realisation but he hates himself even more for putting himself first and damaging their friendship again along the way.

"I couldn't. I worked through it on my own." She shrugs, ever trying to be the strong one, and Harvey feels her pain in his bones. He might not be the most empathetic guy when it comes to the work that he does as a lawyer but he's always had a soft spot for Donna. A blind one as well because he didn't see what was right in front of his face until he lost the right to tell her at all.

She laughs then, suddenly. "I fucked up _everything_. It's all my fault."

"What do you mean?"

"I put myself over the firm _for once_ because I thought I had a _family_ to protect. And then everything fired right back into my face." She shakes her head. "I was only trying to do the right thing the way I _always_ do." Her bottom lip trembles and she bites down hard on it. "But I let you down, Harvey. I let all of you down."

He stares at her incredulously, and then suddenly everything makes sense. Being loyal and devoted is something that's deeply ingrained inside Donna – it's one of the qualities that drew him to her all those years ago – and he's never had to question her faith in him until now. It had felt like a betrayal, like all their history meant nothing to her when in reality she'd been trying to do the impossible. Protect everyone and everything around her; having faith in him, looking out for Thomas' business and being a mother who puts her family first.

"Donna," he whispers. "You didn't."

"Yes, I did, and the worst thing is I would do it all over again because it showed me what I want. A family," she laughs wryly. "I never even knew how much I wanted to be a mother until I had to choose between you and Thomas."

"Stop," he pleads, his chest growing impossibly tight as he pictures it; Donna having a child. The way she'd have been a natural, she's had more than enough practice with him and Mike after all, and it seems so cruel to him that that chance was taken away from her. "You made a decision any dedicated girlfriend or mother would have made. You had to think of the future and no one can hold that against you."

"Robert can."

"You know Robert didn't just leave because of the way everything went down, right?"

"What?" she asks, furrowing her brows.

"He did something for Samantha years ago and it'd been eating him up. I think he's glad he got a chance to make up for it in some way."

"I had no idea. I never even called to thank him."

Donna purses her lips, her eyes distant and glassy for a moment before she turns around and sits down on his couch, wiping her eyes hastily.

He pours her a glass of water, feeling like this isn't the kind of talk that you can pair with a glass of whisky, and sits down across from her quietly.

"I'm sorry I never replied to your voicemails," she says after a moment

"Ah," he replies, seeming uncomfortable somehow. "I almost forgot about those."

It's a lie, on both their parts. She'd thought about calling him a hundred times after she'd come home from the hospital, weak and vulnerable and looking for some guidance that Thomas somehow couldn't give her. Or maybe she hadn't let him because she simply wasn't on that level of intimacy with him yet. Everything they'd been through had happened in a whirlwind and while she genuinely liked him she noticed that the reason she had been so invested in their developing relationship had been because she'd fallen pregnant and she'd been tired of the same old dance, so she'd settled.

Harvey's voicemails had jolted her back into reality when she'd listened to them eventually. He'd sounded concerned at first, worried about her well-being, but after a few messages she'd heard the undeniable jealousy in his voice when he told her that he hoped she was having one hell of a romantic weekend with her boyfriend now that Thomas' business was safe.

She didn't understand what she felt, or how she was supposed to deal with any of the mess she'd gotten herself into and it had been terrifying. Grief and guilt met in the middle and created an ugly ball of self-hatred that she strung around herself so tightly that she convinced herself she didn't need anyone. Neither Thomas whose presence was suffocating all of a sudden, reminding her of how close Harvey had gotten to losing his license because of her, nor Harvey who still consumed her to an alarming degree.

So she'd pushed everyone away, most of all Thomas who tried to be there for her but she didn't know how to accept his love and support when her mind only ever circled around the ethics hearing and the fetus she'd lost. She sent him away eventually, telling him she couldn't be what he needed.

"I'm sorry about the last few messages I left. I never should've assumed you were celebrating with him and getting all… well you know."

Apologising has never come easily to him, but he's trying for her. He hates that he can't be happy for her when she's with other men, but at least he never knew why it bothered him so much back then. Now he knows, and it's killing him.

"It's nothing new, right?"

He hesitates a moment too long and she looks up. He's looking at her like he never has before, like he knows something she doesn't, like he's been thinking about this very question too and she murmurs, "what?"

"No, it's definitely not a new feeling," he settles on and takes a sip from his own glass, stalling.

"I appreciate you reaching out though. I just couldn't open up to anyone. If it makes you feel any better, I even sent Thomas away," she shrugs, but her eyes are getting watery again, not because she misses her ex-boyfriend but because it hits her again how lonely she's been. It's an alien feeling to her as she's never lost confidence in her body and decisionmaking before to a degree where she couldn't even pick up the phone to call a friend and discuss everything.

Surprise is written all over his face, and for a second she thinks she even sees a hint of relief cross his features but it's gone too quickly to tell.

"You broke up?"

"Yeah, a few weeks ago. It just wasn't going anywhere anymore."

"I'm sorry, Donna."

"It's fine. It is what it is."

"It is, but for what it's worth, I'm here to pick up the slack now. I want to be there for you. God knows you've been there for me countless times, it's time I repaid you." He gives her a lopsided, hopeful grin and she feels her insides melt a little. She's never been able to resist him when he's being all sheepish and adorable.

"Thank you, Harvey."

Tears prick her eyes again and she swallows down a lump in her throat, wondering when her hormones will finally return to normal again.

"It's the least I can do. Thai food tonight?"

"Let's make it pizza with yellow tomatoes."

.

.

.

Harvey keeps his word.

It starts with him checking in on her throughout the day. Sometimes he brings her a coffee, sometimes he doesn't. Sometimes he sits down and tells her about his day, and sometimes he asks about hers. Sometimes he invites her to have dinner with him after work and sometimes they order in.

He becomes part of her daily life again slowly and gradually, giving her time to process and grieve on her own. But he also lets her know that she can call at six in the morning or at midnight when she needs someone. It leaves her speechless at times. He's caring and considerate as he helps her find her way back to herself. It's a side he rarely used to show before. He used to mess up or make reckless decisions, and then he'd apologise by taking her out for breakfast or a trip to Hérmes to get on her good side again.

Harvey putting her needs first… is new. Donna always suspected that he was a highly sensitive man under all that cocky talk but getting to be at the receiving end of his affection is… everything. She can't put it in other words.

He's there for her day and night, when she asks him to keep her in company and even when she doesn't. She allows herself to be vulnerable and honest with him because she knows he wants her to be, but also because it feels right to share things with him now.

Something fundamental begins to shift in their relationship. They make way for a new normal, stop denying themselves the emotional connection that they were both unable to access for so long.

For the first time in months, she feels okay, hopeful even. There's something simmering beneath the surface, beneath their friendship and they both know it. They've always known it but now it feels accessible, like they could slip into a relationship seamlessly and they'd both be fine. Donna finds peace in realising that Harvey is ready for something more whenever she is.

One night, he comes over and they have dinner together and Donna jokes that he might as well stay the night when he suggests that they meet up for breakfast the next morning.

"Would you like that?" he asks softly as they both settle down on her couch.

She feels butterflies in her tummy, the good kind, the one that almost makes you feel light-headed because you're completely consumed by anticipation.

"I would," she admits.

Harvey smiles up at her, something so soft and so full of love in his gaze that it nearly knocks Donna breathless.

"Just so we're clear, I don't just want to sleep on the couch," he clarifies needlessly.

She laughs, low and hoarse. Her chest feels too small for her heart all of a sudden and he looks adorable like this, all shy and handsome.

"I do know that."

"Do you also know that I really want to kiss you right now?"

"I do now," she whispers and then she's in his lap and in his heart and in his life and presses a kiss to his lips that's as easy as breathing.

They mold together as he hoists her up and carries her into her bedroom where he gently lays her down.

Neither moves for a while – somehow this feels monumental, even if they've done this before, even if they've been as close as two people could be without being that for as long as they've known each other – and when they do move, Harvey touches her like she's something to be treasured. It's not at all the way she pictured their second time going, on those rare nights where she couldn't help but wonder.

He sets a slow rhythm that allows him to kiss Donna, caress her arms and her shoulders and her breasts as he gradually increases his pace, and he tells her he loves her when she lets go and comes all around him.

She was worried that everything would change once they got together but it doesn't, not really. Their lives are so intertwined already and this feels long overdue.

No one is surprised when they move in together after a few weeks, or when they get married spontaneously on the same day that Louis and Sheila get married.

Everything slots into place, like a puzzle that had been years in the making.

So when Donna is late one day, Harvey holds her hand as they wait for the results of the pregnancy test together. He can feel how nervous she is because she's been here before and it didn't end well and he knows that she's trying to tamper down her excitement when she turns around the test and it's positive.

He holds her late at night, and he holds her early in the morning when she throws up, and he also holds her when she delivers a healthy baby girl.

It's the first time she breathes in nine months, truly lets go and cries for the baby she lost and the rainbow baby they created.

In a way, it feels like they've both come full circle and he couldn't be prouder.

**Author's Note:**

> Reviews, comments and criticism are always welcome x


End file.
